Vanity...

Yes, I know, that's me. I'm constantly trying to improve myself, constantly trying to improve my beauty so that everyone will find me beautiful, and for what? In the end, what does it really matter? It doesn't. I can't take it with me when I go. And when I do go, God isn't going to look at me and ask me how beautiful I was when I was here, He's going to ask me what I did. Trust me, it isn't going to be pretty. I'm constantly trying to fix what's broken, and looking in the mirror, the years are catching up with me quickly. I see every line, every flaw staring back at me. Instead of embracing them, and aging with grace, I'm aging with anger. I don't know where the time went, and I don't know why at age 34, I look like this.

Sure, I've lost 174lbs, my body is a train wreck, but I put it together nicely in clothing. Just for once in my fucking life I'd like to to be able to put on a bikini and not have the skin hanging. I'd like to have my breasts be where they were before I lost weight and got pregnant. I'd like to be able to have my face look as good as it did when I was 21, but the chances of me honestly having any of this is slim to none.

I may get my surgeries, and I may not. The point is, I need to be happy with myself, and I'm just not. I know I'm not the only one. I see Rob's wife constantly vying for his attention like a little school girl. That makes me even sadder. At least I'm not leaving pathetic sex posts on Facebook for the world to see trying to get my husband's attention. I have it. I have plenty of attention from men and women alike, but for some reason, it just isn't enough. I always want more.

Maybe some day, I'll be happy, or maybe, just maybe, I'll learn to live with what I have, and realize, it truly *is* beautiful enough.

Joan Holloway Knows Best...

Always Keep It...

Leaving Nashville...

So far, all I've pretty much talked about is Nashville. Well, there's a reason. I have to purge myself of him. There comes a time in your life when you realize what is, what was, what could've been, what isn't, what never was, and what will never be. Heavy, huh? Did you get all of that. In other words, it's time to wash away all of the fantasy, and get down to reality. The reality is, I ache. I ache for something I never had. I ache for something that was never mine. I ache because I'm a selfish, vain bitch.

Why, you ask? Because Nashville and I are both married, and obviously, not to one another. I met Nashville at a time in my life when I truly believed I would be letting go. I would be moving on, that my marriage wasn't going to survive. I didn't intend on developing any type of feelings for him. Hell, I didn't even think I'd be attracted to him. Typically, that sort of thing just doesn't happen; But this time, it did, and did it ever. I never thought I'd feel that alive again. I never thought I'd have someone who made me want to be beautiful, not just know it. See, there's the vain part.

I remember weeks, even months before a visit to see him, I'd be planning out an outfit to wear to see him. I had EVERYTHING planned out flawlessly. I would buy a brand new dress, typically. It was always a dress. Dresses were sexy, and of course, my favorite underwear. I liked my black sheer bikini underwear. No detail was too mundane for me. Even my perfume had to be perfect. It had to mirror what I was feeling. From Lou Lou by Cacharel, which I was wearing the first time I met him, to Coach Legacy, which I was wearing the day we had our picture made together in his office, it always had to fit. Always.

I would on occasion be known to lock down a status or two on Facebook, just for him-- for his eyes only. I don't know that he ever saw them, but they were there. No one but him could see them. They were usually songs, or song lyrics, but always something that was "fitting" at the time, or so I thought.

In my warped, little vain mind, somewhere along the way, I got in my head he actually appreciated all of this, and well, even liked it. Maybe he did, who knows. I mean, I'm a younger woman who's practically throwing herself at him every time she sees him. He's either the dumbest man to walk the face of the earth (no), or possibly flattered that he's getting attention, I mean, we all love attention, right?

I think, perhaps, in a way, maybe we both satisfied a need in each other. I wanted someone to appreciate me, to still make me have a reason to be beautiful, and I think, perhaps, he wanted to appreciate someone beautiful having that complete and utter devotion to him. It's not as if he didn't know I'd walk through fire for him. Whatever he needed, I would've done it, to protect him, or otherwise.

He kept a picture of the two of us on his wall. I remember how I would secretly smile to myself each time I saw it, thinking, "he's still thinking of you, you're doing something right!" But now, I don't even really know what I was doing other than playing a game to make myself feel good. I wanted to be his "dirty little secret" worse than anything, but I would've settled for a just a kiss. That's really what I wanted before I left Nashville, the man, and the city, just a kiss. I didn't get it. That's where the picture I posted above comes in. Sometimes, everything happens at once, and sometimes, nothing. I got nothing.


I left Nashville with but a hug, a few words and a promise to keep in touch. Will we? Who knows. I don't know what the future will hold, but I will treasure the memories, real, and imagined that I have, they got me through some really tough times. I miss you, Nashville. The last time I left the city, there was a deep sadness in my heart. I'm still trying to let that go. It's not a sadness I can describe, but one that perhaps will fade with time.


~~It's no surprise. I won't be here tomorrow
I can't believe that I stayed 'til today
Yeah you and I will be a tough act to follow
But I know in time we'll find this was no surprise~~ No Surprise-- Daughtry

Just Smile...

I saw your new picture today, Nashville. You look just like you always did. So handsome, and eyes shining so brightly. The only problem, they were looking back at me on a computer screen, and not in person. They probably never will look at me in person, again, and I know that. I know it's for the best, as well. For a moment, I went back to all of the times you made me smile, you probably never knew how just how many times you made me smile, or just how much you still make me smile. There will always be a special place in my heart for you. I miss you, and I always will. I hope you're happy where you are, and the move was worth everything you left behind. Truly.

Guilt, Should I Have It?

Don't judge me. I spent some time tonight watching Oprah's Life Class, and actually learned a little bit. I learned something about "Mommy Guilt", and guilt in general. Do I have it? Sure, I've got plenty of it. I should be spending more time with my child instead of tweeting it up on Twitter with the Laffing Devils, or hitting the tanning bed whenever possible. After watching the show, I realized I wasn't as bad as I'd thought. Do I need to work on myself? Of course, but there's no need to be a prisoner of my past. There's no need to be a prisoner of anything, addiction, guilt, lust, greed-- anything. Set yourself free, and enjoy your life.

Be Better...

A Lighter Shade of Grey, or Perhaps Darker?

I'm getting ready to start reading "Fifty Shades of Grey". I have a feeling I could probably write something far trashier, more sensual, and something that would hold the attention span of both men and women for hours, but to be honest, I'm just too damn lazy; Aside from that, it would probably take away the pleasure I get from writing if I had to actually do it.


I read just briefly what it was about, and for a moment, it reminded me of, well, we'll call him "Nashville." Damn, I miss Nashville. He's gone now. I haven't seen him in a few months, he isn't even in Nashville anymore, but I know that's where his heart will always be. Mine? Well, a piece of mine will always be with him, and the time we had together, albeit too brief. That's for another time, though.


Do you miss me, Nashville? Do you still think of me when you see a Mad Men commercial, or a buxom redhead you know you shouldn't have naughty thoughts about? I sure hope so. I still have your texts on my phone, as innocent as they were, they're there. I hope your move went smoothly. I'm lying like hell. I hope it sucked, because I never wanted you to leave me. You knew it, and I told you told that. I know why you left, and I respect it. I respect you too much to even try to have kept you here. There's just one thing I want to know, is our picture up on your wall where you are now?


“Passion has little to do with euphoria and everything to do with patience. It is not about feeling good. It is about endurance. Like patience, passion comes from the same Latin root: pati. It does not mean to flow with exuberance. It means to suffer.”
― Mark Z. Danielewski, House of Leaves

We're All On A Journey...

Getting My Feet Wet...

A first post. Those are always so telling, and I have a lot to tell. I've spent the last three years in a whirlwind of pain, lust, addiction, greed, anger, and everything in between. I've done things I never thought I'd do, crossed lines I swore I'd never cross, and paid dearly, mentally, emotionally, and monitairly than I ever thought possible. Then again, when you live the fast life, eventually, it catches up with you. Play with a flame, and you're gonna get burned, it just depends upon how strong you're willing to be after that flame sets you ablaze. As for me, I'm just now trying to figure out how to put the shattered pieces of my psyche back together, get my shit together, and go on with life, as I knew it before everything happened. Will I get it right? Who knows? But here's my journey, into the darkness, and into the light.

“You'll be sick or feeling troubled or deeply in love or quietly uncertain or even content for the first time in your life. It won't matter. Out of the blue, beyond any cause you can trace, you'll suddenly realize things are not how you perceived them to be at all. For some reason, you will no longer be the person you believed you once were. You'll detect slow and subtle shifts going on all around you, more importantly shifts in you. Worse, you'll realize it's always been shifting, like a shimmer of sorts, a vast shimmer, only dark like a room. But you won't understand why or how.” ― Mark Z. Danielewski, House of Leaves